(Ringring… ringring…ringring)

JK Rowling: Hello?

Me: Hey JK– its JH

JK: Why hello, Jennifer! How’ve you been?

Me: Actually, I’ve had a bad throat infection the last few days and I’ve been coughing up the grossest stuff.

JK: Sounds awful.

Me: Yep… sorry my voice is so hoarse. It’s sexy, though, don’t you think?

JK: Definitely. You’re getting enough tea, then? Just hot herbal tea and lemon and a splash of honey. Does wonders.

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been doing that since last week.

JK: Good girl. Right, so I got Benjamin’s birthday party invitation in the post just yesterday. It was adorable! Little animals with party hats. Brilliant.

Me: Yep– I printed them out myself. But, of course, you have people to do that sort of thing for you right?

JK: You’re mad.

Me: OK, OK, Sorry. I won’t start. (pause) So how’s the castle?

JK: It’s NOT a castle!

Me: I’m just KIDDING, geez. So, anyway, can you come? I have an opening for a storyteller for the kids and you’d be the obvious choice.

JK: No, I can’t make it. I’ll be in Japan and…

Me: Oh, sure, that’s OK.

JK: No, really, I want to be there it’s just that…

Me: You don’t have to explain.

JK: OK… sorry.

Me: Look. I’ve been meaning to tell you something for the longest time and now is as good a time as any.

JK: What is it?

Me: I just don’t even know how to say it.

JK: C’mon, then. Just spit it out.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad.

JK: Promise.

Me: Well… OK… here goes. I’ve never actually read any of your books. There I said it.

JK: Pardon?

Me: I mean, I have them all. Well, most of them. And I saw the first two movies, but I never actually got around to reading the books.

JK: I am absolutely gobsmacked. May I ask why?

Me: Um… the thing is is that there was just SO much hype, it really rubbed me the wrong way.

JK: Uh huh.

Me: Then I started noticing that all my friends on Livejournal and at the office were huge fans, and I was impressed. These are smart people.

JK: Well, they have compared me to Lewis and Tolkien, Jennifer. That might not mean anything to you, but…

Me: See. Now you’re mad.

JK: No, I’m not mad. I’m just a little confused. I mean, you’ve read all the classics, and those were wildly popular. How do you explain that?

Me: I don’t know. I just started to seeing all the marketing and the hoopla and it just made me angry. I rebelled.

JK: That’s so juvenile.

Me: I know. I know. I’ll just say it outright. I’m jealous.

JK: Of course you’re jealous. You wouldn’t be a human being if you weren’t a little jealous of my success.

Me: OK, now you’re just being arrogant.

JK: No I’m not. Let me ask you this. How is your young adult trilogy coming along? Are you EVER going to send me pages?

Me: Yeah, right.

JK: Well, have you written anything?

Me: Yes… I mean when I can make the time I…

JK: You’re pathetic.

Me: I know. Listen, you know what I’m going to do?

JK: What?

Me: I’m going to give Benjamin a Harry Potter birthday party. And I’ll even read, like, the first two books if I have time and then I’ll send you my pages next month. Oh, and you do NOT have to feel guilty about Japan. We’ll just call it even, OK?

JK: Well…

Me: C’mon…

JK: Deal. That all sounds lovely.

Me: Yes, quite. Well, have fun storming the castle…

JK: Very funny.

Me: Cheers!

JK: Ta-ta!